Here's to plot twists and new beginnings. I finished my last drink on 7/15 at 7:15. I had a wonderful birthday weekend starting with a BBQ at our house with all my amazing friends and neighbors. I had several beers and a solid buzzed feeling. The next day we went to a baseball game and I had a ballpark beer, then followed with a beer in the evening when we got home. In the weeks leading up to 7/16, I said my good-byes to all my favorite types of alcohol. I had a few evenings drinking red and white wines, even though my body completely rejects wine now. Felt really crappy. Bought a bottle of Jose Cuervo Golden Margarita and drank on it for a few nights. Had many nights enjoying several flavors of vodka, which was my go-to in the end. Ended with a few days of cold beers.
My first sober day was 7/16/18. Today is eight days sober and I feel all over the place about it. I haven't gone this many days sober for at least eight or nine years. In the few times over many years that I've taken a few days' break, I fortunately (and surprisingly) didn't have physical withdrawals, and I haven't this time either. The most I feel physically when not drinking is tiredness, a little irritable, sometimes I get hives on my legs. But I've never had issue with the typical withdrawal issues that heavy drinkers have, even with my average of 5-7 drinks per night. The worst feeling is a metal taste in my mouth that makes me crave a drink. I stopped drinking wine about five months ago, and that metal taste for the most part ended then, but it's still there in a small way.
I've been sleeping much better, more soundly... but absolutely exhausted throughout the day. I know the body has to re-balance itself chemically without the added booze, so I hope my current level of tiredness doesn't stick around after my body comes to terms with the lack of a steady flow of booze.
According to 12KeysRehab, "...quitting drinking has the immediate benefit of self-empowerment. The simple act of consciously choosing to eschew alcohol is the single most significant catalyst of the recovery process. While the most infamous phase of recovery is the initial withdrawal stage, full detoxification can take up to two weeks in some cases. As your body is getting rid of the last remnants of alcohol, psychological symptoms can advance quickly — but so can the positive effects."
I know I have to be patient, upbeat, and positive... and that seemed easier after about three sober days than it does right now. It's 9:30 a.m., and I'm sitting in my office drooling about red wine after writing about it above. And I had actually stopped drinking red wine months ago because I just could not tolerate the terrible effects it had on me. But reliving it now, wow, I had a lot of years with hundreds of bottles of red wine, and here I am imagining how it would feel to guzzle a glass right now.
For me, alcohol is like a two-faced bitch of a friend in high school. It's the most toxic relationship I've ever had (literally AND figuratively). It's a relationship that consumes all my time, thoughts, and energy but only creates stress and pressure. This "friend" is with me in my misery and walks alongside me in the darkness, but never tries to help me into the light. This "friend" has no boundaries and constantly violates my emotional, physical, and mental space. An article I read on how to remove yourself from a bad relationship had the following steps, and I think they all apply in my situation:
- Recognize the problem
- Allow yourself to feel
- Discover the lesson
- Create separation
- Let go of the mementos
- Take off your love goggles
- Compose a letter
- Focus on empowering yourself
- Rewrite your story
- Practice forgiveness
- Live in the present moment
- Accept what is
- Contribute to a cause you care about
- Practice self-care
- Embrace the impermanence of life
- Know when to ask for help
So here's to new beginnings, plot twists, unexpected turns in the road.
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