Danger Zone (17 Days)

17 days sober feels like a dangerous place. I'm getting used to this new normal, but at the same time am forgetting just how bad it was when I was drinking. Forgetting will be a big mistake for me, because here are the thoughts that run through my head every afternoon:

"It wasn't really that bad."
"I didn't drink to the point of being out of control."
"I didn't really drink that much."
"It's normal to have one bad habit."
"I didn't feel that bad after drinking."
"Am I really not EVER going to drink again?"
"Maybe I can learn to control it and just have a few drinks per week."
"This is all really unfair."
"I deserve to enjoy what everyone else enjoys!"

I don't want to forget. I think it's a big mistake. So I am making some notes to myself now that my body is accepting this new sober chemical balance.

While drinking, I:

• slept terribly, couldn't find a comfortable position, woke up aching in every bone and joint
• tossed and turned all night long with my bladder full and my intestines cramped
• woke up already tired and cranky
• suffered from a simmering headache all day long, until about 4 p.m., when I would start all over again
• had stuffy sinuses from my obvious allergy to the nitrates in wine, which did not sidetrack me for the better part of 8 years
• had horrible acid reflux and took medicine before bed 1-2x per week
• hated looking in the mirror at my puffy and swollen face
• increased my chance of heart disease and cancer with every sip
• was ruining my marriage
• had dehydration and vitamin absorption issues
• was moody, unpredictable, and highly irritated at some point every day
• ate way more than I needed to
• drank hundreds of calories each day (if not 1,000+) and gained 40 pounds

I really feel good. I think I'm over the slump of being completely and utterly exhausted - or at least I hope so! I am not the type to sit still, but for the past few weeks, my days end around 5 or 6 p.m., when I have to go horizontal because I literally cannot stand or sit for another minute. I did some research and read that it was happening because my body was/is in healing mode and trying to keep up with this new chemical balance that doesn't depend on alcohol. I don't think I've lost weight, but I feel good. I'm sleeping VERY soundly and wake up alert and refreshed. But the craving... the metal taste in my mouth that I've always gotten when I think about/want/am ready to drink... that's a tough feeling to deal with every afternoon. I have found that flavored sparkling water on ice, with a splash of lemonade or orange juice, does wonders to satisfy me. So now I have a variety of flavors in my house and drink a few per day. An 8-pack costs $3.18, half of what I was spending every day on alcohol. I could drink the whole 8-pack in one day and still be saving money.

I really do want this, and I am proud of myself for these 17 days. It's been a challenge but it's not killing me.

Day by day...