Friday, October 19, 2018

In a Good Lil Groove... I think (93 Days)

93 days! I made sporadic mental notes to really celebrate my 90 days of sobriety. Buy flowers! Take myself out to eat at an expensive restaurant! Buy some new clothes! Go get a lemonade from that deli I love! Tell everyone who will listen! Scream from the mountaintops!

I did none of those things.

I really can go days without thinking about alcohol, so when this number crept up in my busy life, I kept reminding myself to celebrate it and never did. I didn't even tell my husband, who wants me sober more than any other person on this planet. It's just something that periodically floats in and out of my brain. It doesn't stay and simmer. I don't think about what day I'm on or the last time I had alcohol. I get little pangs/reminders here and there... but they are not constant and a small glass of juice or sparkling water will remove it instantly.

To those who are far beyond where I am in recovery, I'm curious: is this nonchalant way of thinking dangerous? Should I be far more concerned every day that I'm at 90, 91, 92, 105, 167, 2,690 days sober? It's not on my mind all the time. Something has to compel my brain to think about it - like an alcohol commercial or an invite to dinner with the girls. These things don't happen constantly, since I don't watch live TV and my friends are as busy as I am. The habit of pouring two or three sparkling waters for myself every evening seems very normal and appropriate. So am I being too casual, too unconcerned about my very big alcohol problem? Is this natural progression or is my indifference an issue?

-Penny

P.S. As a reminder to myself, here are the numbers for 90 days of sobriety, based on the five drinks nightly I was consuming prior to 7/16/18:

Money no longer spent on alcohol: $500+
Calories no longer spent on alcohol: 40,000+

Monday, October 1, 2018

Changing My Perception (75 Days)


Definition of  Recovery:
1. a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.
2. the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.

75 days! My Sober Time app tells me today that "Happiness is not an accident or something you wish for. Happiness is something you design." True words for me today, as I feel like (for the present time) I've let go of a little bit of the negativity in this journey. It has not been a difficult journey for me in the way of cravings or unhappiness, but I assumed certain things would happen for me at certain times based on Google searches of recovery and the patterns of others in recovery. No pink cloud, no energy, no clarity, etc... Am I doing recovery wrong? Will I not ever reap the benefits of all this hard work? Is the effort worth anything?

The past 10 days have been different. I'm sleeping extremely well and have no more brain fog. I have managed trips to the gym and a few 3-5 mile hikes. I am not wiped out by 5 p.m. and, after sleeping really well, wake refreshed and ready to go. I wake so refreshed that if I don't get right to my green tea in the morning, it's okay. And the best parts: no intestinal cramping, no throbbing headache, no nasal stuffiness, no rapid heartbeat, no acid reflux, no dehydration, no guilt, no self-hate, no remorse.

In the past week, I definitely feel that the first definition of recovery is happening: a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength. It's been so many years since I've known what my normal state is. I'm happy to know it's not how I was feeling three weeks ago. I'm at a steady pace with definition #2: the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.

The BIG 90 is right around the corner and I'm excited to see that number pass. I'm so thankful that my prayers for continued strength and courage are answered every day.

- Penny