Plot Twist (8 Days)

Here's to plot twists and new beginnings. I finished my last drink on 7/15 at 7:15. I had a wonderful birthday weekend starting with a BBQ at our house with all my amazing friends and neighbors. I had several beers and a solid buzzed feeling. The next day we went to a baseball game and I had a ballpark beer, then followed with a beer in the evening when we got home. In the weeks leading up to 7/16, I said my good-byes to all my favorite types of alcohol. I had a few evenings drinking red and white wines, even though my body completely rejects wine now. Felt really crappy. Bought a bottle of Jose Cuervo Golden Margarita and drank on it for a few nights. Had many nights enjoying several flavors of vodka, which was my go-to in the end. Ended with a few days of cold beers.

My first sober day was 7/16/18. Today is eight days sober and I feel all over the place about it. I haven't gone this many days sober for at least eight or nine years. In the few times over many years that I've taken a few days' break, I fortunately (and surprisingly) didn't have physical withdrawals, and I haven't this time either. The most I feel physically when not drinking is tiredness, a little irritable, sometimes I get hives on my legs. But I've never had issue with the typical withdrawal issues that heavy drinkers have, even with my average of 5-7 drinks per night. The worst feeling is a metal taste in my mouth that makes me crave a drink. I stopped drinking wine about five months ago, and that metal taste for the most part ended then, but it's still there in a small way.

I've been sleeping much better, more soundly... but absolutely exhausted throughout the day. I know the body has to re-balance itself chemically without the added booze, so I hope my current level of tiredness doesn't stick around after my body comes to terms with the lack of a steady flow of booze.

According to 12KeysRehab, "...quitting drinking has the immediate benefit of self-empowerment. The simple act of consciously choosing to eschew alcohol is the single most significant catalyst of the recovery process. While the most infamous phase of recovery is the initial withdrawal stage, full detoxification can take up to two weeks in some cases. As your body is getting rid of the last remnants of alcohol, psychological symptoms can advance quickly — but so can the positive effects."

I know I have to be patient, upbeat, and positive... and that seemed easier after about three sober days than it does right now. It's 9:30 a.m., and I'm sitting in my office drooling about red wine after writing about it above. And I had actually stopped drinking red wine months ago because I just could not tolerate the terrible effects it had on me. But reliving it now, wow, I had a lot of years with hundreds of bottles of red wine, and here I am imagining how it would feel to guzzle a glass right now.

For me, alcohol is like a two-faced bitch of a friend in high school. It's the most toxic relationship I've ever had (literally AND figuratively). It's a relationship that consumes all my time, thoughts, and energy but only creates stress and pressure. This "friend" is with me in my misery and walks alongside me in the darkness, but never tries to help me into the light. This "friend" has no boundaries and constantly violates my emotional, physical, and mental space. An article I read on how to remove yourself from a bad relationship had the following steps, and I think they all apply in my situation:

• Recognize the problem
• Allow yourself to feel
• Discover the lesson
• Create separation
• Let go of the mementos
• Take off your love goggles
• Compose a letter
• Focus on empowering yourself
• Rewrite your story
• Practice forgiveness 
• Live in the present moment
• Accept what is
• Contribute to a cause you care about
• Practice self-care
• Embrace the impermanence of life
• Know when to ask for help

So here's to new beginnings, plot twists, unexpected turns in the road.

Quack Grass

I fought for years to keep what is killing me; why would I let it go? If it'll kill me to let it go, why would I let it go? Why would I just let go of such a big part of my life? But, blessed and lucky that I am, God puts thoughts into my mind and this time the thoughts are sticking. Alcohol is literally killing me. It is ruining my health, my sense of self, my adventurous side, my relationships, my confidence, my brain capacity, my ability to live my best life.

I recently read an article about a weed called Quack Grass, which some gardeners and farmers call "the worst menace" to their crops and gardens. Quack Grass has an underground system of roots called rhizomes that continuously grow below the dirt surface. The rhizomes release chemicals into the soil that inhibit the growth of other plants, thereby effectively killing everything around it and taking over large areas. The only way to remove the weed is by pulling out the underground root system in its entirety.

I never wanted to let it go, but now I do. It has taken over my life like weeds overtaking a beautiful flower garden. Where once there was a vibrant and happy soul, now there is a dry, dull, lifeless shadow of my former self. I've been overtaken by this weed called alcohol. It took my water, my sun, my nourishment. It's left me completely unable to flourish and grow. So I am the dying flower and alcohol is my Quack Grass.

Sometimes we have to let go of what is killing us, even if it's killing us to let go.

Mid Life Crisis?

If I'm blessed enough to live into my 90s, I have lived half my life. Next week I turn 46. Call it a mid-life crisis or a form of enlightenment, but one thing is for absolute certain: the second half of my life needs to be very different from the first half. I have lived years 21 through 45 in the same manner -  eating, drinking, and acting like a 21-year-old. I continued to age, but did not continue to grow up. What 45-year-old still thinks she can get away with heavy drinking, bad eating habits, and running from feelings? THIS GIRL ⇑

Scared to be intimate? Have a drink! Lacking the confidence to confront a friend? Have a drink! Worried about my newly-licensed firstborn driving away in a car by herself for the first time? Have a drink! Angry that the hubby doesn't soak his dirty dishes? Have a drink! Stressed about the impossible deadline at work? Have a drink! Have another! Have another! Have another! All of those big, bad emotions will go away if you just have a drink! So I do. Again and again and again. So much easier to numb it all away than to deal with any person or problem.

But wow, am I a fun friend or what? Always up for happy hour, long lunches, impromptu evenings out, girls' weekends. These events all center around drinking and my friends can always count on me! Heavy drinking was the common theme, and it made me very nervous to even consider drinking less, or not at all. Probably I wouldn't get invited to as many gatherings. Probably my friends would think I'm a stick-in-the-mud. Probably they would judge me, or worse, think I judged them for continuing to drink. Probably I better just stick with the heavy drinking, otherwise I won't have any friends.

So that's what I've done for the past few years. I  continued to drink, continued to socialize, continued to wake up in the middle of the night hating myself for drinking a bottle of wine... or more. And as time has gone by, it's dawned on me that I am so worried to lose my friend group that I am torturing myself to keep them.

It's time to confront myself, set myself straight, open my eyes to an honest, sober life filled with all kinds of emotion... the kinds I have been running from all my life. It's clear to me that all my years of heavy drinking (started in 2009) have done nothing except make me fat, bloated, uncomfortable, and unhappy.  I'm on a path. I'm ready to end this evil cycle. I'm ready to live years 46 through WHENEVER with a clear head and healthy body.