One Good Decision (33 Days)

My Sober Time app tells me I'm on day 33 of sobriety, which is about 30 days longer than I've been without alcohol for the past 9 or 10 years. It was exciting to see the number 30 a few days ago, but now, just 3 days later, it seems like a short time frame. So I adjusted the way I thought about it and came up with this: If I was still drinking, I would have had ~5 drinks every night for the last 33 days. This calculates to:

165 DRINKS in 33 days
If I had been drinking wine, I would have consumed 20,625 extra calories in the last 33 days.
If I had been drinking vodka w/ lemonade, or vodka w/ Gatorade, or whatever I chose to mix it with, I would have consumed approximately 25,750 extra calories in the last 33 days.
If I had been drinking beer, I would have consumed at least 16,335 extra calories in the last 33 days.

HOLY SHIT!!

I haven't stepped on the scale, but I would hope that I've lost some weight. I don't think I'm compensating for the lack of alcohol with extra food. I actually think I am eating less. But the weight loss is secondary right now. I don't want to step on the scale, see the number hasn't moved, and feel depressed or angry. So I'll avoid it for now.

The metal taste in my mouth that I get when craving alcohol is pretty much non-existent. Happy for that, because that was always the sign that I would move mountains to get to a liquor store as soon as possible. Now, it's mostly just a craving for something fun to drink at the end of the day, and sparking water has come to my rescue in a big way. I have 8-packs in my refrigerator, in the pantry, and in storage in the garage.

I'm not sleeping as well as I was a few weeks ago. It's not solid anymore but that has to do with back/hip/knee pain that I've had for a while now. I absolutely hate tossing and turning, but at least I still wake up refreshed instead of queasy, swollen, and miserable.

I'm happier, healthier, kinder, and softer. I have no plans to change this course.

Danger Zone (17 Days)

17 days sober feels like a dangerous place. I'm getting used to this new normal, but at the same time am forgetting just how bad it was when I was drinking. Forgetting will be a big mistake for me, because here are the thoughts that run through my head every afternoon:

"It wasn't really that bad."
"I didn't drink to the point of being out of control."
"I didn't really drink that much."
"It's normal to have one bad habit."
"I didn't feel that bad after drinking."
"Am I really not EVER going to drink again?"
"Maybe I can learn to control it and just have a few drinks per week."
"This is all really unfair."
"I deserve to enjoy what everyone else enjoys!"

I don't want to forget. I think it's a big mistake. So I am making some notes to myself now that my body is accepting this new sober chemical balance.

While drinking, I:

• slept terribly, couldn't find a comfortable position, woke up aching in every bone and joint
• tossed and turned all night long with my bladder full and my intestines cramped
• woke up already tired and cranky
• suffered from a simmering headache all day long, until about 4 p.m., when I would start all over again
• had stuffy sinuses from my obvious allergy to the nitrates in wine, which did not sidetrack me for the better part of 8 years
• had horrible acid reflux and took medicine before bed 1-2x per week
• hated looking in the mirror at my puffy and swollen face
• increased my chance of heart disease and cancer with every sip
• was ruining my marriage
• had dehydration and vitamin absorption issues
• was moody, unpredictable, and highly irritated at some point every day
• ate way more than I needed to
• drank hundreds of calories each day (if not 1,000+) and gained 40 pounds

I really feel good. I think I'm over the slump of being completely and utterly exhausted - or at least I hope so! I am not the type to sit still, but for the past few weeks, my days end around 5 or 6 p.m., when I have to go horizontal because I literally cannot stand or sit for another minute. I did some research and read that it was happening because my body was/is in healing mode and trying to keep up with this new chemical balance that doesn't depend on alcohol. I don't think I've lost weight, but I feel good. I'm sleeping VERY soundly and wake up alert and refreshed. But the craving... the metal taste in my mouth that I've always gotten when I think about/want/am ready to drink... that's a tough feeling to deal with every afternoon. I have found that flavored sparkling water on ice, with a splash of lemonade or orange juice, does wonders to satisfy me. So now I have a variety of flavors in my house and drink a few per day. An 8-pack costs $3.18, half of what I was spending every day on alcohol. I could drink the whole 8-pack in one day and still be saving money.

I really do want this, and I am proud of myself for these 17 days. It's been a challenge but it's not killing me.

Day by day...