Mid Life Crisis?

If I'm blessed enough to live into my 90s, I have lived half my life. Next week I turn 46. Call it a mid-life crisis or a form of enlightenment, but one thing is for absolute certain: the second half of my life needs to be very different from the first half. I have lived years 21 through 45 in the same manner -  eating, drinking, and acting like a 21-year-old. I continued to age, but did not continue to grow up. What 45-year-old still thinks she can get away with heavy drinking, bad eating habits, and running from feelings? THIS GIRL ⇑

Scared to be intimate? Have a drink! Lacking the confidence to confront a friend? Have a drink! Worried about my newly-licensed firstborn driving away in a car by herself for the first time? Have a drink! Angry that the hubby doesn't soak his dirty dishes? Have a drink! Stressed about the impossible deadline at work? Have a drink! Have another! Have another! Have another! All of those big, bad emotions will go away if you just have a drink! So I do. Again and again and again. So much easier to numb it all away than to deal with any person or problem.

But wow, am I a fun friend or what? Always up for happy hour, long lunches, impromptu evenings out, girls' weekends. These events all center around drinking and my friends can always count on me! Heavy drinking was the common theme, and it made me very nervous to even consider drinking less, or not at all. Probably I wouldn't get invited to as many gatherings. Probably my friends would think I'm a stick-in-the-mud. Probably they would judge me, or worse, think I judged them for continuing to drink. Probably I better just stick with the heavy drinking, otherwise I won't have any friends.

So that's what I've done for the past few years. I  continued to drink, continued to socialize, continued to wake up in the middle of the night hating myself for drinking a bottle of wine... or more. And as time has gone by, it's dawned on me that I am so worried to lose my friend group that I am torturing myself to keep them.

It's time to confront myself, set myself straight, open my eyes to an honest, sober life filled with all kinds of emotion... the kinds I have been running from all my life. It's clear to me that all my years of heavy drinking (started in 2009) have done nothing except make me fat, bloated, uncomfortable, and unhappy.  I'm on a path. I'm ready to end this evil cycle. I'm ready to live years 46 through WHENEVER with a clear head and healthy body.