Leaving a Part of Me Behind (50 Days)

• 2 leisurely lunches with the girls
• 2 dinners out
• 2 girls' dinners out (completely different than regular dinner out)
• 1 happy hour
• 2 outings/meals with family
• 1 birthday party
• 1 full weekend of family visiting
• 1 four-day trip to Seattle
• 1 day moving daughter back to college

Since July 15, in the last 50 days, these social situations have been on my calendar. I attended each one without drinking. More importantly, I attended each one without the desire to drink, but sometimes mourned the lack of drink with the specific situation. Thank goodness for Bubly sparkling water, the wonder drink! So refreshing. I drink 2-3 per night without guilt and with great pleasure.

I think the toughest was going to my dad's house and spending the day with my dad, sister, and niece. It is a treasured tradition that my sister and I meet out there and dive straight into the boxed wine that my dad always has on hand - TIME OF DAY BE DAMNED! It didn't matter if it was 11 a.m. or late afternoon. We maintained a steady buzz all day, just light enough to sober up and drive home at the end of the day. We always have a blast, laugh like crazy, and are generally silly and at ease. This last time, I felt very self-conscious and aware of not drinking. My sister pointed to the boxed wine (in past visits, she wouldn't have gotten that far; I would have found it myself), at which point I declined and she gave me a sideways, confused look. She left it at that for a few minutes and then asked me why I wasn't drinking. My response was very short and very sure: "I'm not drinking anymore."

At this point it had only been 19 days of sobriety, and she was really the first person I had said that out loud to after the fact (I had said it to anyone who would listen before the fact..) She asked how long it had been and I told her just since my birthday. Seemed like such a short period of time when I said it out loud. I didn't get cravings for the wine sitting there. I got cravings for the tradition, the expectation, the routine. But I didn't miss out and was more in-tuned to the conversations and setting.

I was very nervous for the dinners and happy hours with friends. During dinner with a friend, she questioned my not drinking and tried a few times to get me to try her drink, which I'm sure tasted wonderful. When I firmly said "no" for the second time, she left it alone. Happy hour with another friend went without a hitch; my not drinking was never brought up in conversation and I enjoyed my three glasses of raspberry tea. Dinner out with the whole tribe was easy - I had stashed two Bubly Sparking Waters in my purse and was thankful for that refreshing lime drink when everyone else was sitting at the table with big margaritas. That dinner would have been much harder if I hadn't thought ahead to bring something that kind of reminded me of a watered down, alcohol-free margarita.

My in-laws visited for three days, which included two very nice meals out. They didn't question my not drinking the first night, but the second night I was asked "You're not drinking wine anymore?!" I kept it simple and just said that wine does not agree with me anymore and makes me feel crappy. That was that. Not another mention. People I am closer with know the full and real reason why. It's true: wine does not agree with me and makes me feel crappy. But I believe there will always be instances in this journey where less is more in the way of explanation.

It's interesting and very good for me to realize that no one is thinking about my not drinking. No one spends time questioning it beyond the initial eyebrow raise. I am glad to have found a way to still socialize and spend time with my beloved friends without feeling like the magnifying glass is on me. And here is another very important realization: I define Happy Hour as being HAPPY, not being drunk. In the spirit of socializing and being out with friends:

I am where I am because I want to spend time with people who matter to me.

I am doing what I'm doing because conversation and socializing make me happy.

I am lucky to have amazing friends and family; I don't need alcohol to make any of them better.

There is no doubt I have left a part of me behind. I don't know how noticeable it is to others. I don't know if I'm less fun, less talkative, less social, less happy around other people when they are drinking and I'm not. I don't think I am. I am melancholy when I think about what I'm leaving behind, not because I need it, but because it was a part of me. There is a hole and right now I'm not sure what to fill it with except endless icy glasses of Bubly. A filler will come to me, I know this. Right now, I am just being patient and slow and pondering the alcohol-free future.