Wednesday, September 19, 2018

I'm So Tired, My Tired is Tired... (63 Days)




Tired... and cranky... and moody... and exhausted... and tired... and tired... and tired...

I thought I was supposed to be over this by now?! I thought I was supposed to be on a Pink Cloud?! I thought I was supposed to have clarity! Mental focus! Positive attitude! Warm fuzzies! Weight loss! Clearer skin! What the hell is happening??

I am desperately clinging to the positive news I read that my energy will be found just around the next corner, the next week, the next day... but it isn't here yet and I'm losing hope. I know it's only been two months, and that these symptoms could stay with me for another few months. It's depressing to think about going through more months feeling like this.

And on top of all that, my selfie from today looks WORSE than my selfie from two months ago. I am not a selfie person, but figured I should track certain things, and how my face looks is one of them. Well, bummer of a morning today when I compared the two and realized I looked better the day after my last binge than I do this morning. I'm bloated, pasty, and swollen, with fat cheeks and a double chin.

Okay, now that I've had my small pity party, it's time to share some things that are good. My bloated face and cranky mood may very well have to do with my period. And possibly it's also a culprit in my exhaustion, even though I slept for 11 hours last night. So I shall get through this week and hope the next is better.

I had a few small urges and cravings in these past few weeks. Nothing so tempting that I wanted to drink, but a small voice in my head that took a while to shut up. The first was inviting a couple over last week for dinner and some quiet time by the fire pit. Only one of them drank; we three stuck with water and sparkling water. But the thought of this very pleasant summer evening, sitting around a fire pit with beloved friends - it just BEGGED for a very full glass of wine sitting in front of me. I really felt like wine was actually missing from this situation where barely any drinking was going on. It was not overpowering; just a nagging thought that stayed for the evening.

The second was a magnificent Saturday I just had, leaving my house early to travel up to the mountains for a steep mountain hike (sorry, hip flexors!!) with two friends. It was such a beautiful day. The leaves were changing on the trees and the path to the top was amazing and tiring in a good way. Getting to the top was such a reward - 360 view of all the rocks, crags, mountain tops, lakes below. Just breathtaking! And here is where the urge comes in... because after every hike with every friend, our next stop is... the brewery! And so we did. My friends were tipsy from their micro brews, so I drove us home down the mountain, where we stopped at another brewery. And then went to one friend's house and played games and ate dinner. It was a most amazing day, I will cherish it for a long time to come. But again, not having a beer in my hand after that hike was like a piece was missing from my experience. Not so much that I would have actually picked up a beer, but I mourned what felt like a loss at the time.

Days later, I know for certain that I didn't actually miss out on anything. My body recovered faster from the hike because I wasn't drinking and dehydrating myself. I know this feeling of loss will not be so sharp in the months and years to come. But it aches right now. I will do my best to stay focused and positive!

1 comment:

  1. It’s still early in your recovery, and I never had a pink cloud. But as you are discovering, our bodies will slowly heal!
    xo
    Wendy

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