Leaving a Part of Me Behind (50 Days)

• 2 leisurely lunches with the girls
• 2 dinners out
• 2 girls' dinners out (completely different than regular dinner out)
• 1 happy hour
• 2 outings/meals with family
• 1 birthday party
• 1 full weekend of family visiting
• 1 four-day trip to Seattle
• 1 day moving daughter back to college

Since July 15, in the last 50 days, these social situations have been on my calendar. I attended each one without drinking. More importantly, I attended each one without the desire to drink, but sometimes mourned the lack of drink with the specific situation. Thank goodness for Bubly sparkling water, the wonder drink! So refreshing. I drink 2-3 per night without guilt and with great pleasure.

I think the toughest was going to my dad's house and spending the day with my dad, sister, and niece. It is a treasured tradition that my sister and I meet out there and dive straight into the boxed wine that my dad always has on hand - TIME OF DAY BE DAMNED! It didn't matter if it was 11 a.m. or late afternoon. We maintained a steady buzz all day, just light enough to sober up and drive home at the end of the day. We always have a blast, laugh like crazy, and are generally silly and at ease. This last time, I felt very self-conscious and aware of not drinking. My sister pointed to the boxed wine (in past visits, she wouldn't have gotten that far; I would have found it myself), at which point I declined and she gave me a sideways, confused look. She left it at that for a few minutes and then asked me why I wasn't drinking. My response was very short and very sure: "I'm not drinking anymore."

At this point it had only been 19 days of sobriety, and she was really the first person I had said that out loud to after the fact (I had said it to anyone who would listen before the fact..) She asked how long it had been and I told her just since my birthday. Seemed like such a short period of time when I said it out loud. I didn't get cravings for the wine sitting there. I got cravings for the tradition, the expectation, the routine. But I didn't miss out and was more in-tuned to the conversations and setting.

I was very nervous for the dinners and happy hours with friends. During dinner with a friend, she questioned my not drinking and tried a few times to get me to try her drink, which I'm sure tasted wonderful. When I firmly said "no" for the second time, she left it alone. Happy hour with another friend went without a hitch; my not drinking was never brought up in conversation and I enjoyed my three glasses of raspberry tea. Dinner out with the whole tribe was easy - I had stashed two Bubly Sparking Waters in my purse and was thankful for that refreshing lime drink when everyone else was sitting at the table with big margaritas. That dinner would have been much harder if I hadn't thought ahead to bring something that kind of reminded me of a watered down, alcohol-free margarita.

My in-laws visited for three days, which included two very nice meals out. They didn't question my not drinking the first night, but the second night I was asked "You're not drinking wine anymore?!" I kept it simple and just said that wine does not agree with me anymore and makes me feel crappy. That was that. Not another mention. People I am closer with know the full and real reason why. It's true: wine does not agree with me and makes me feel crappy. But I believe there will always be instances in this journey where less is more in the way of explanation.

It's interesting and very good for me to realize that no one is thinking about my not drinking. No one spends time questioning it beyond the initial eyebrow raise. I am glad to have found a way to still socialize and spend time with my beloved friends without feeling like the magnifying glass is on me. And here is another very important realization: I define Happy Hour as being HAPPY, not being drunk. In the spirit of socializing and being out with friends:

I am where I am because I want to spend time with people who matter to me.

I am doing what I'm doing because conversation and socializing make me happy.

I am lucky to have amazing friends and family; I don't need alcohol to make any of them better.

There is no doubt I have left a part of me behind. I don't know how noticeable it is to others. I don't know if I'm less fun, less talkative, less social, less happy around other people when they are drinking and I'm not. I don't think I am. I am melancholy when I think about what I'm leaving behind, not because I need it, but because it was a part of me. There is a hole and right now I'm not sure what to fill it with except endless icy glasses of Bubly. A filler will come to me, I know this. Right now, I am just being patient and slow and pondering the alcohol-free future.

One Good Decision (33 Days)

My Sober Time app tells me I'm on day 33 of sobriety, which is about 30 days longer than I've been without alcohol for the past 9 or 10 years. It was exciting to see the number 30 a few days ago, but now, just 3 days later, it seems like a short time frame. So I adjusted the way I thought about it and came up with this: If I was still drinking, I would have had ~5 drinks every night for the last 33 days. This calculates to:

165 DRINKS in 33 days
If I had been drinking wine, I would have consumed 20,625 extra calories in the last 33 days.
If I had been drinking vodka w/ lemonade, or vodka w/ Gatorade, or whatever I chose to mix it with, I would have consumed approximately 25,750 extra calories in the last 33 days.
If I had been drinking beer, I would have consumed at least 16,335 extra calories in the last 33 days.

HOLY SHIT!!

I haven't stepped on the scale, but I would hope that I've lost some weight. I don't think I'm compensating for the lack of alcohol with extra food. I actually think I am eating less. But the weight loss is secondary right now. I don't want to step on the scale, see the number hasn't moved, and feel depressed or angry. So I'll avoid it for now.

The metal taste in my mouth that I get when craving alcohol is pretty much non-existent. Happy for that, because that was always the sign that I would move mountains to get to a liquor store as soon as possible. Now, it's mostly just a craving for something fun to drink at the end of the day, and sparking water has come to my rescue in a big way. I have 8-packs in my refrigerator, in the pantry, and in storage in the garage.

I'm not sleeping as well as I was a few weeks ago. It's not solid anymore but that has to do with back/hip/knee pain that I've had for a while now. I absolutely hate tossing and turning, but at least I still wake up refreshed instead of queasy, swollen, and miserable.

I'm happier, healthier, kinder, and softer. I have no plans to change this course.

Danger Zone (17 Days)

17 days sober feels like a dangerous place. I'm getting used to this new normal, but at the same time am forgetting just how bad it was when I was drinking. Forgetting will be a big mistake for me, because here are the thoughts that run through my head every afternoon:

"It wasn't really that bad."
"I didn't drink to the point of being out of control."
"I didn't really drink that much."
"It's normal to have one bad habit."
"I didn't feel that bad after drinking."
"Am I really not EVER going to drink again?"
"Maybe I can learn to control it and just have a few drinks per week."
"This is all really unfair."
"I deserve to enjoy what everyone else enjoys!"

I don't want to forget. I think it's a big mistake. So I am making some notes to myself now that my body is accepting this new sober chemical balance.

While drinking, I:

• slept terribly, couldn't find a comfortable position, woke up aching in every bone and joint
• tossed and turned all night long with my bladder full and my intestines cramped
• woke up already tired and cranky
• suffered from a simmering headache all day long, until about 4 p.m., when I would start all over again
• had stuffy sinuses from my obvious allergy to the nitrates in wine, which did not sidetrack me for the better part of 8 years
• had horrible acid reflux and took medicine before bed 1-2x per week
• hated looking in the mirror at my puffy and swollen face
• increased my chance of heart disease and cancer with every sip
• was ruining my marriage
• had dehydration and vitamin absorption issues
• was moody, unpredictable, and highly irritated at some point every day
• ate way more than I needed to
• drank hundreds of calories each day (if not 1,000+) and gained 40 pounds

I really feel good. I think I'm over the slump of being completely and utterly exhausted - or at least I hope so! I am not the type to sit still, but for the past few weeks, my days end around 5 or 6 p.m., when I have to go horizontal because I literally cannot stand or sit for another minute. I did some research and read that it was happening because my body was/is in healing mode and trying to keep up with this new chemical balance that doesn't depend on alcohol. I don't think I've lost weight, but I feel good. I'm sleeping VERY soundly and wake up alert and refreshed. But the craving... the metal taste in my mouth that I've always gotten when I think about/want/am ready to drink... that's a tough feeling to deal with every afternoon. I have found that flavored sparkling water on ice, with a splash of lemonade or orange juice, does wonders to satisfy me. So now I have a variety of flavors in my house and drink a few per day. An 8-pack costs $3.18, half of what I was spending every day on alcohol. I could drink the whole 8-pack in one day and still be saving money.

I really do want this, and I am proud of myself for these 17 days. It's been a challenge but it's not killing me.

Day by day... 

Plot Twist (8 Days)

Here's to plot twists and new beginnings. I finished my last drink on 7/15 at 7:15. I had a wonderful birthday weekend starting with a BBQ at our house with all my amazing friends and neighbors. I had several beers and a solid buzzed feeling. The next day we went to a baseball game and I had a ballpark beer, then followed with a beer in the evening when we got home. In the weeks leading up to 7/16, I said my good-byes to all my favorite types of alcohol. I had a few evenings drinking red and white wines, even though my body completely rejects wine now. Felt really crappy. Bought a bottle of Jose Cuervo Golden Margarita and drank on it for a few nights. Had many nights enjoying several flavors of vodka, which was my go-to in the end. Ended with a few days of cold beers.

My first sober day was 7/16/18. Today is eight days sober and I feel all over the place about it. I haven't gone this many days sober for at least eight or nine years. In the few times over many years that I've taken a few days' break, I fortunately (and surprisingly) didn't have physical withdrawals, and I haven't this time either. The most I feel physically when not drinking is tiredness, a little irritable, sometimes I get hives on my legs. But I've never had issue with the typical withdrawal issues that heavy drinkers have, even with my average of 5-7 drinks per night. The worst feeling is a metal taste in my mouth that makes me crave a drink. I stopped drinking wine about five months ago, and that metal taste for the most part ended then, but it's still there in a small way.

I've been sleeping much better, more soundly... but absolutely exhausted throughout the day. I know the body has to re-balance itself chemically without the added booze, so I hope my current level of tiredness doesn't stick around after my body comes to terms with the lack of a steady flow of booze.

According to 12KeysRehab, "...quitting drinking has the immediate benefit of self-empowerment. The simple act of consciously choosing to eschew alcohol is the single most significant catalyst of the recovery process. While the most infamous phase of recovery is the initial withdrawal stage, full detoxification can take up to two weeks in some cases. As your body is getting rid of the last remnants of alcohol, psychological symptoms can advance quickly — but so can the positive effects."

I know I have to be patient, upbeat, and positive... and that seemed easier after about three sober days than it does right now. It's 9:30 a.m., and I'm sitting in my office drooling about red wine after writing about it above. And I had actually stopped drinking red wine months ago because I just could not tolerate the terrible effects it had on me. But reliving it now, wow, I had a lot of years with hundreds of bottles of red wine, and here I am imagining how it would feel to guzzle a glass right now.

For me, alcohol is like a two-faced bitch of a friend in high school. It's the most toxic relationship I've ever had (literally AND figuratively). It's a relationship that consumes all my time, thoughts, and energy but only creates stress and pressure. This "friend" is with me in my misery and walks alongside me in the darkness, but never tries to help me into the light. This "friend" has no boundaries and constantly violates my emotional, physical, and mental space. An article I read on how to remove yourself from a bad relationship had the following steps, and I think they all apply in my situation:

• Recognize the problem
• Allow yourself to feel
• Discover the lesson
• Create separation
• Let go of the mementos
• Take off your love goggles
• Compose a letter
• Focus on empowering yourself
• Rewrite your story
• Practice forgiveness 
• Live in the present moment
• Accept what is
• Contribute to a cause you care about
• Practice self-care
• Embrace the impermanence of life
• Know when to ask for help

So here's to new beginnings, plot twists, unexpected turns in the road.

Quack Grass

I fought for years to keep what is killing me; why would I let it go? If it'll kill me to let it go, why would I let it go? Why would I just let go of such a big part of my life? But, blessed and lucky that I am, God puts thoughts into my mind and this time the thoughts are sticking. Alcohol is literally killing me. It is ruining my health, my sense of self, my adventurous side, my relationships, my confidence, my brain capacity, my ability to live my best life.

I recently read an article about a weed called Quack Grass, which some gardeners and farmers call "the worst menace" to their crops and gardens. Quack Grass has an underground system of roots called rhizomes that continuously grow below the dirt surface. The rhizomes release chemicals into the soil that inhibit the growth of other plants, thereby effectively killing everything around it and taking over large areas. The only way to remove the weed is by pulling out the underground root system in its entirety.

I never wanted to let it go, but now I do. It has taken over my life like weeds overtaking a beautiful flower garden. Where once there was a vibrant and happy soul, now there is a dry, dull, lifeless shadow of my former self. I've been overtaken by this weed called alcohol. It took my water, my sun, my nourishment. It's left me completely unable to flourish and grow. So I am the dying flower and alcohol is my Quack Grass.

Sometimes we have to let go of what is killing us, even if it's killing us to let go.

Mid Life Crisis?

If I'm blessed enough to live into my 90s, I have lived half my life. Next week I turn 46. Call it a mid-life crisis or a form of enlightenment, but one thing is for absolute certain: the second half of my life needs to be very different from the first half. I have lived years 21 through 45 in the same manner -  eating, drinking, and acting like a 21-year-old. I continued to age, but did not continue to grow up. What 45-year-old still thinks she can get away with heavy drinking, bad eating habits, and running from feelings? THIS GIRL ⇑

Scared to be intimate? Have a drink! Lacking the confidence to confront a friend? Have a drink! Worried about my newly-licensed firstborn driving away in a car by herself for the first time? Have a drink! Angry that the hubby doesn't soak his dirty dishes? Have a drink! Stressed about the impossible deadline at work? Have a drink! Have another! Have another! Have another! All of those big, bad emotions will go away if you just have a drink! So I do. Again and again and again. So much easier to numb it all away than to deal with any person or problem.

But wow, am I a fun friend or what? Always up for happy hour, long lunches, impromptu evenings out, girls' weekends. These events all center around drinking and my friends can always count on me! Heavy drinking was the common theme, and it made me very nervous to even consider drinking less, or not at all. Probably I wouldn't get invited to as many gatherings. Probably my friends would think I'm a stick-in-the-mud. Probably they would judge me, or worse, think I judged them for continuing to drink. Probably I better just stick with the heavy drinking, otherwise I won't have any friends.

So that's what I've done for the past few years. I  continued to drink, continued to socialize, continued to wake up in the middle of the night hating myself for drinking a bottle of wine... or more. And as time has gone by, it's dawned on me that I am so worried to lose my friend group that I am torturing myself to keep them.

It's time to confront myself, set myself straight, open my eyes to an honest, sober life filled with all kinds of emotion... the kinds I have been running from all my life. It's clear to me that all my years of heavy drinking (started in 2009) have done nothing except make me fat, bloated, uncomfortable, and unhappy.  I'm on a path. I'm ready to end this evil cycle. I'm ready to live years 46 through WHENEVER with a clear head and healthy body.